People keep telling me I should get a phone; I keep telling them no. I'm getting tired of repeating the same explanation to every person who asks, so I'm going to write down all the reasons I'm not going to do that and instead continue to be most reachable by email, and when people start ranting at me about it I'll simply point them here and my previous rant will continue to rant for me; this is how you achieve success, or something like that, shut up.
I'll even add to this every time I hear another stupid excuse to carry those abominations.
- No, and you should probably piss off for demanding I use one. Seriously, fuck off; I don't burst into your life and demand that you get something expensive just so you can contact me. I've put myself out there, and if you want me, you know where to find me and it's generally on you to ensure you can contact me, because you want me, not vice versa. If I want you, I will ensure that an attempt is made to contact you in a way you have made yourself available, because that's polite and my responsibility to do so, not yours.
- ... because it makes you easier to reach.
- No it doesn't. The world runs on the Internet, and email is the most basic way to communicate on the Internet. There is literally no excuse for not knowing how or refusing to use email. In fact, you can use email for a heck of a lot of things, and I really wish developers would use mailing lists more instead of GitHub pull requests and issues, because email is an open standard and anyone can do it; I'm proof! So this argument doesn't work.
- ... because you can take it with you anywhere.
- Anywhere I have cell service. Not every carrier/phone supports Voice-Over-IP. I can use email anywhere I can find an Internet connection, and that's not hard to do these days.
- ... because it's what most of the world uses.
- I seriously doubt that. A telephone of any description is objectively more annoying to own and use than email. For example, both get high spam traffic. But the difference is that I have to engage every single pissant that decides to shit up my day when they call my phone, even if I just
bitch-buttonthem; I could block the number but it's easy to get a new one. I can set a good spam filter on my email and I never have to think about that fucker again, and I can pre-emptively snipe any other potential shitheads in the process. I find it hard to believe that such a comparatively rigid system continues to outstrip basic Internet communications.
- ... because it's what I/we use.
- No. I likely don't consider you important enough to bend that far for you, and if I did consider you that important, I've already ensured you have a way to contact me privately—it's up to you whether or not you use it. As for everyone else: at significant cost to my free time, I've made myself (very) publicly available in very specific places, and I even went to the trouble of making shit as easy to remember as possible; if you can't be bothered to reach out to me in those ways (or if you reach out solely to complain about how I make myself available), your issue would likely just waste my time and I don't have an interest in helping you solve it. I'm a busy man; though I am thin, my belt sinches tight over many responsibilities, and when you, a (probable) stranger, want something from me, you ask on my terms. Do this, and you're vastly more likely to get a response out of me; maybe even a favorable one.
- ... because they're just so convenient!
- Yes, it's convenient to have a device in my pocket that constantly knows where I'm at and could be listening at any time. Convenient for the government, that is, who wants to know every aspect of my life so they can be sure I'm not seditious or some stupid shit. Even if we consider a landline, I hate you, I don't want you calling my house and terrorizing my kids. Still not happening.
- ... because you need to have one!
- No, I don't. I have no use for one, I have no desire for one, and in fact I believe they are actually bad for your health.
You need to have a phone so people can call you when they need you.Okay, slave, that's a great mentality you've got going there. Go ahead, be at everyone's beck and call, see if you're happy; I haven't had the displeasure of being called by someone in two years, and I'm as happy as a clam! I'm a slave to no man (because none of you reprobates are fit to be my master), and the only God I serve doesn't need a fucking phone to get my attention, meat.
- ... because <reason/>!
- No, just, no. I simply don't care enough about anything you might have to tell me over the phone for me to see a need to get one. You are never going to make it happen, because I don't like you enough to give you 24/7 access to communicating with me; there's only one person I like that much, and I married her, and I see her every day anyway so I don't need a phone!